Surfacing with grief, Keep me present to feel
Naturally it is my groove to go further than the surface, to get to the root of anything. Yet I had requested from self and allowed my grief to keep me on the surface. Too many feelings from loss were being bypassed since leaving the states in February.
In truth, with the understanding, comfortability, and knowing behind deaths reasoning I've exempted myself to the grieving process. Yet, that was only for the physical deaths in connection to people and sometimes animals. The exemption unknowingly passed along to my personal losses/endings through my cat, friendships, romantic relationships, and chapters closing with heavy relation to leaving behind 29 years of familiarity.
Someone informed me months ago "remember when moving, there is a grieving amd adjustment period that takes place for about 6 months, so that can add to the manic feeling." Yes, the mania was popping off but that'll be a different story to share. I am approaching 3 months of living in PR and that's not being pin pointed to countdown "ok this will all wash away" exactly at the sixth month mark because life has its own program. Yet I also wouldn't be surprised if it did haha that is my optimism. That reminder is more so for me to be present in grief. To remain on the surface before being pushed too far away.
As a mother of 3 sons, my greatest sorrow yet blessing at this moment is allowing their fathers to fulfill their roles as a parent. As a natural reaction to those decisions grief was not too far away to meet me. I am still a mother and everyone is always loved.
Grieving what didn't last does not equate to a definite ending, it's simultaneously a new beginning. Some know and understand this. While this is the process of letting go, it allows room to let beauty in through compassion, love, support, joy, and, peace. Of course allow the feelings to settle then flow giving them the necessary attention and acknowledgment. Stuck emotions becomes stuck energy and stuck energy leads to physical ailments. Through shamanism I am learning and implementing daily to "give thanks always" and to all things even in grief/death.
Thank you grief for allowing me to feel through my senses and creating a space of letting go while being open to let beauty in. Thank you for life and its many precious memories provided. Thank you for allowing my heart to expand rather than close from losses that shows me how to be more compassionate and graceful with my emotional self. Thank you to the continuous beauty surrounding me while passing through the darkness. Thank you for what was to be reaffirmed with what is.
